list 29: how i saved the world

come on who wants to be hurt like this even if you are a masochist

2009-09-22T22:28:00.000-07:00

look, here's the thing, i feel conflicted. obviously you are conflicted, but that is seperate for me, except how it impacts me being conflicted. i have a strong natural desire to be close to you, to be with you. you seem to think that i would not be worth the negative impact that would have on your life. thats ok for how little we know each other, but that may get hard to take. when i know you feel similar, if not the saem, when i know you'd rather have your hand in mine, when i believe our core values would allow us to both be our best and be together, a rare and beautiful combination, when i know you feel the same or similar it makes it feel harsh that you would not think i may be worth it. i feel conflicted because i dont have a particular desire to be hurt like this either. you know we have been having a relationship that is definitely abnormal for just a friendship. i dont know what your thinking is on this, why i did not understand at first, or if i did not have all te information. but i know that i must be around you. i dont think you're right, i dont think i'd let you have sex with me, but for the first time in my life i have questioned it. for the first time i thought that i may debase myself enough to break all my own rules of not being fucked. and maybe you'll just see this whole missive as being more fighting. i hope not. you said you wanted an email from drunky me, and here it is with all its errors. you say you dont know why i would feel this way but i dont believe you. i think you know because you feel the same and you are just as conflicted, even if coming from the opposite side that seems to cause all the cnflict. but i am not trying to throw stones, i just know that i am happy to be with a woman, that i cannot understand feeling that your life is not the most important life to you. and again, i am sure i am saying this all wrong but it is hard for me to feel any affinity for oters just because they are gay. this is a long standig thing in my life, that i am part of a group and hate to be part of a group and i didnt even get a choice in joining this group. but here i am in a group ( the gays) and therefore have a certain understanding, just as i have a certain understanding of people who practiced as activists in lawrence or some such.

KS

2008-05-28T16:31:00.000-07:00

i love kansas. and not for any fake loyalty reasons. i love the flint hills. i love the trees, the lakes, the land that goes on forever with little to no sign of people. i love the green green green. i love walking for miles on beautiful green plants, near streams. i love the lizards that live here, the snakes, the birds, and seeing deer daily on the way to work. i love the empty stone farmhouses. i love the collapsing barns. i love the dogs who run loose in town.
and i guess its not just outdoor. i love the jails where they dont lock the cells and send inmates out for beers. i love the drug treatment people who will say whatever i ask, the pyschologists who find my clients incompetent if i say thats best. i love the small town mind that appreciates that i am a smoker. that understands i am different, in different ways than others who are different, but dont care as long as i am a decent person.
i love kansas, because as the book says people may vote against their interests based on passion, they only think in terms of midwest values. being a good neighbor, a good member of the community, even if you never talk to anyone. in helping when help is needed.

coming out

2008-03-14T13:22:00.000-07:00

watching a movie about coming out stories. made me think...do i even have one?
after i got kicked on campus i talked with the folks about being gay. the kicking was memorable partly because i understood those people too well that i had provoked them. the other reason was when i was on the ground and they were kicking me, the dad, mom with their 5 kids watching, and they started shouting faggot i was really confused. i thought you dummies, i'm not a faggot, i'm queer.and no one paid attention to them kicking me but when they started shouting faggot and group of students intervened. later all i thought was it they had shouted gay then no one would look but they had to use the f word.
so i thought, my parents won't push me down and kick me if i tell them. is that what i had been afraid of? my dad got physical but i dont remember him ever kicking me.
i made them go in the basement because there are less pictures of jesus there. they have this one upstairs that is "special" because its eyes follow you. creepy right.
and that was it. i said i am in a criminal case bc some crazies with an eight foot cross attacked me because i'm gay. we have never talked of it since.

Gil, I am so sorry and know this is a time when sorry just isnt enough

2007-12-09T11:10:00.000-08:00

my policy: don't ask, don't ask

2007-12-06T17:41:00.000-08:00

i have been talking to a recruiter and considering the option of full on enlistment, to some extent since i can enroll as an officer, and i finally broached it to a family member, my beloved brother (not that the other brother isnt beloved, but is an unknown) and he said i wouldnt think you would want to work for any group with a dont ask dont tell policy. i know what he means, because the reality of that policy means if you tell you are shit and if we ask we open ourselves up to losing bodies that we could send off to be killed, which we need because this war will go on forever...
but here's the truth: i don't want people to ask and i never tell and never want to. unfortunately for me everyone in the known world, including my mom, has always assumed i was gay without knowing. but to me this should and does have nothing to do with work. i know many people think it has much to do with my work--i am aggresive in court because i am such a dyke, i do the job i do because it is a mans job and i think i am a man etc etc, all the things any regular person does but is seen as a part of your gayness if you are a gay woman. anyhow, i still think dont ask, i have no reason to tell. i dont talk about sex with anyone really so to discuss the fact that women make me itchy and happy and jumpy and happy is not something i tell. so i guess i appreciate a dont ask dont tell policy, and under the laws dont ask is pretty much the rule, dont tell just makes sense, because who sits around at work talking about how hot their client is and how their client tried to make out with them when meeting at the restaurant/bar? not me for sure.
so if telling i'm gay (i prefer the term homo and love the term queer) got me kicked out of a job, then it seems like that is an easy out.
all this said, when i was fired from my first job, where they had bible meeting on the weekends for all the other attorneys who were all mormon, everyone said it was because i was gay. altho i still am unconvinced, i think these are crazy people who believe an alien came and gave them the last portion of the bible, so for them to fire me for gayness does not seem odd at all. they are weirdos. they believe in weirdo things. the fact i feel very flushed and uncomfortable and happy (as mentioned) around certain women doesnt seem to have much to do with aliens and missions where you travel for years pushing your craziness on others. but if to them this goes against their whole alien bible, women dominating idea does not bother me in the least. it is like the idea that bush is a christian--if he wants to think crazy things, like his life is a reflection of a man who believed in forgiveness and compassion, and he wants to hate me because of his christianity, then i cannot hold that against hm. he is obviously either insane or using these words to serve his own scary purposes. i cant be bothered with crazies and i cant help the fact that most people talk out of one side of their mouth while letting a woman suck their dick with the opposite side.
these are a lot of rambling, run on, non sensical sentences, i agree. but 1 is that worse than an alien bestowed bible that cant be found but is "followed" and 2 i think efb might be the only person who ever has read any of this crap.
so i guess i will end with yes, erin, yes i immediately knew the answer to the question, but i do not care to hurt you. try hard not to hurt you, so why would i tell you things that i think will hurt you?

"astonishing"

2007-11-29T18:29:00.000-08:00

was out back playing with bin when the neighbors dog climbed--actually climbed--the fence into the yard. played for a minute then tried to snap on a collar to walk it back home--to big to lift over the fence. but when i went for its collar it cried and cried. the collar was really tight so i took it off in order to loosen it, thinking that was what the crying was as it had no sores i could feel. it was a shock collar and when i grabbed it off it shocked the shit out of me. it is not a light shock, my hand is still tingling 30m later. so i walked it home, no people at home, opened the fence and noticed there was no water, no food, no dog house, no hay. it is 20 degrees and dropping. i found this all rather disturbing and called the owner. he thought i was an asshole and asked me to go put the shock collar back on and told me he would let them in later. i put the shock collar back on. the dog climbed the fence again. i am an asshole.

i don't think like anyone else, thank god

2007-09-22T16:07:00.000-07:00

working on my objections, which is uneccessary since i am slam bang, up buttoning my suit jacket and entering long discourse on the law supporting my objection and the logic behind it, before the question hangs in the air long enough for the witness to hear it. but i was thinking about objections to leading questions, which is an objection i rarely make. if you are obviously trying to get a witness to say something damaging about my patient, ok, but otherwise i never object to leading questions, because like all trial attorneys i have learned that people will say anything. anything.

most witnesses seem to have their own agenda and it allows them to interpret all questions in a manner whereby they can say what they came to say. this is a sidebar but LEOs are particularly funny in doing this as they will stoically feign complete ignorance and act like a fool rather than say something they are not there to say.

it is interesting to watch, although it usually makes me cringe, but like a compulsion people just spew random, ignorant, embarrassing, irrelevant, personal, scary things when in a courtroom. the sex offender who told the judge he wanted to live next door to him to show him he wouldnt hurt his daughters. let me tell you the judge does not want a sex offender, caught with handcuffs, badges, guns, mentioning his daughters. much less living next door to them.

but the things they say, it becomes obvious that criminals in general are of the lower intelligence class. making excuses for homicides, blaming two year olds for coming on to them, explaining that the wife had to be hit for flirting, fighting the idea that it is wrong for 2 year olds to wander on their own--people who just either dont get it or pretend not to--not to be able to tell the difference between logic and a string of semi articulate half baked ideas, self serving ideas, or completely insane ideas.

i guess to continue to live like don quixote i will petend this was all leading to one inevitable point: when people talk i listen like i read--i catch the fist few words, assume the rest and zone out on my own thoughts, but when i do listen i usually think objection! and usually it is leading

love hurts

2007-09-14T19:16:00.000-07:00

this is the first time since i have lived in this town one year that i have heard anything loud except artillery. the new neighbors are having a party and i am joining in without joining them. point is i live very close to the practice war zones and many times you hear shells or gunfire for hours, very near. and thats odd because it causes no fear, yet for all the places it is eventually intended i am sure the sound causes great fear. yet it is still so horrible and sad here--all these children and sociopaths being trained in the most deadly weapons and taught to hate and sent home dead and we are supposed to feel greatful they are protecting our liberty, while we can all easily see the difference between this and the real war, the second world war. thats more of a tease than a truth but you see.

so i'm thinking all places in kansas have this same beautiful yet horrificness. even lawrence, the best town in kansas will always be known as the town that was burnt to the ground. garden city with its logical union of labor, capitalism, desolation or dodge known for boot hill and the heros that died there--hiawatha and jetmore and every small town in between whose landscape makes a person feel in a way i cannot articulate, so pure; yet the people riddled with meth, the small town contagious cancer. and then there is the inelegant capital, known for enormous amounts of strip clubs with no holds barred, where every person who makes over 50 K commutes. i dont know whats the matter with kansas. it seems to me that when people live so far apart like that, detached from everything seen on tv, they tend to either be very much themselves (interesting and scary) or they tend they escape. maybe some dont see meth as an escape but since someone told me it was like god breathed in their mouth, i knew, thats what it is. like i didnt knwo already with my chronic gulpolism

this wasnt meant as a tirade on kansas. kansas is very beautiful. it is big and green and brown and white. it is how we live, the way people can sustain themselves once the future hits and the revolution wipes out regular trade. it is real life, true life given by plants or animals. so it is forever the future and it glows and the green is vibrant and the winter hurts but then the land heals. and thats the important thing.

i now feel like i am trying to talk the hills and plains of kansas into bed, which is not my intention. i have driven all of this state, its rectangular corners, avoiding the wichita areas when possible. it is not the same as the ocean, it does not feel as powerful as the ocean, but it is a similar feeling of need, connectedness, peace with the roundness of eternity.

but the people...people are people

back in the game

2007-07-01T12:10:00.000-07:00

so i am coming off a long binge, first of abstinence and then over use. i hope you cant rub it completely out. ok, the sixth grade humor is a result of first GCK and then work.

i heard nina totenberg called a babe on NPR and i realized that was my goal. it was good to have the feeling of a goal again, it has been a few years. i have no idea how to accomplish this oal, but assume i may have to distinguish myself by more than just winning a few suppression motions.

i know i will not be a politician in the typical sense, as my people would not trust that to begin with. they would trust righteousness that people can see, not subpeonas and meetings.

when talking with adam and persons still involved in that life, i see that i have successfully removed myself. things i used to obsess and take notes about. fill pages with names and states and countries and political systems. and now i recognize none of the names, not aware of the current scandals and know a lot about current tv shows. is this right?

a rose is a rose

2007-03-16T19:57:00.000-07:00

new person at work who is many things i lack. makes me think about why i am this way. its politically insensitive as is most i say but ive said i dont like being gay. same thing. i hate being a dyke. wish i could wear what girls wear and feel like i am not dressed for some weird school play or like a real bad transvestite that just cant come close to pulling it off.
so i get the alarming and for me panicky job interviews like with pete rose where he repeatedly asks me if i ever considered wearing panty hose and each time he said the word panty i puked in my mouth. that word should not come up in a job interview and definitely should not come out of pete roses mouth. ever.

working interfferes with drug habits or how i discovered the difference between a habit and an addiction

2007-02-02T19:13:00.000-08:00

jeremy told me i beat a motion to death and he said it with the same mixture of confusion on deciding whether to emote admiration or borderline annoyance that i saw in judge vieux when he called me ever the optimist.
people like to have hope, they like to have people hope things could be better in the future and they need an advocate that has some social impact. some people mistakeningly see this in me. people are sad scared and poor and just want to be happy. same story
this wasnt the epistle i had written in my head when jeremy's words and tones kept coming back up on me.
when i read cases what gets me into it is that these are people and the story that led them to that place. it is why i am so interested in murder i guess. but i want to acknowledge their peopleness and attempt to make the others in the courtroom see an entire individual that has has an individual life and individual thoughts that cannot be known to us or felt by us or completely judged by us. and neither morality or the fear of god is enough for some people.

i am nothin...

2007-01-28T18:50:00.000-08:00

guess i have entered a period of odd apathy. many symptoms, not one of which is that xxx decided for no apparent reason that she did not want to talk for a while.
havent written bc i havent done anything. i live 20m from my brother and dont even answer his wife's calls.
i am looking into the situation. i do not think it is going to be fixed by a physician.
maybe a new job? in a different state. under a new name...

i hope you do it again.

2006-12-09T09:13:00.000-08:00

i hope you do it again. i wrote it twice because that's how it was said. and i fucking shivered with lust.

so now what. of course i'll do it again. i'm horny and you're you. or maybe it is all just inevitable. i havent figured that part out yet--if i was writing a brief i guess it would be the issue is whether i it matters if i am in love or not and if so am i.

but this isnt a brief and as far as i can tell there is no case law on this. i need to understand my own goals and i guess that includes whether i can consider another person in my goals.

so do i go for the gratification of hard core sex and break my three years of purifying celibacy. and if so what are the ramifications? do i have to commit or lose someone. if i dont same question.

you who? you

2006-12-08T16:56:00.000-08:00

so my life has evolved to a place that i am a public defender. i think it, i try all the time, i try to be an excelent pd. why? don't know. for me or hard up people against the man or money or ambition, ego, pride, my mom.

besides bin there is not much else but the work.

am i ethical. do i lie. how can i be effective and not two faced. where does all the money go from the property forfeitures and is tony cruz dirty or is it all just coincidence and zealousness.

this is what consumes my off time. i find at work i have to concentrate very hard on what is happening to stay in play. i am so used to completely zoning out when people talk, rarely hearing anything others say, esp certain inane too cozy yaketyyaks. usually i listen like i read, check ut the first couple words and then guess the rest and jump to the next thing my mind wants to think about.

i thought if i tried to write all the crazy things that happen at work, it would be good reading and entertaining, wouldnt mind honing my writing skills, but its boring me talk and what does that say?

just another day in GCK

2006-07-01T11:42:00.000-07:00

it was a nice afternoon, not the usual 100+, in the 70s with a pleasant breeze. so i was sitting in my rocking chair by the window reading a good book (empathy) with bin laying next to me.
my house is only about 4 feet from the neighbors house. they apparently had their windows open too.
i heard an extremely hard strike and then a child crying. my first thought was that was way too hard to hit a two year old, so i was listening to make sure it was the 8yo instead. another hit and more crying and screaming no and i could tell it was the 8yo. then xe starts retching and i hear the mom yell "dont puke in here--get in the bathroom" sounds and retching fade briefly and then i hear the mom and she says "you think i'm done--i'm not done--you got more coming" and she is making this noise and i think she is crying which makes sense and then i realize she is laughing at hir and hitting hir more and xe is screaming and crying and eventually starts retching again. these hits sound so hard, that even on the bum they would cause major damage.
laughing and hitting.

the hole in the fence

2006-06-30T13:02:00.000-07:00

i don't know how or why the fire started, i don't care. i don't care whose responsibility it is to fix the fence. i don't care about the kids coming into my back yard.
i woke from a nap, unable to see without my glasses and realized that both the kids from next door were standing at the end of my bed staring at me.
i handled this as gracefully as always by saying
get out of here--what are you doing?

2006-06-25T19:59:00.000-07:00

just watching a dvd and they have a "commercial" about how you wouldn't steal a candy bar or a car and buying bootleg movies is the same thing. they mean because they are both illegal. i understand that so i do not understand why they ("commercial" makers) would think we are all stupid to think that this sameness in being illegal is enough to make us ignore the truth of the situation.
the truth is that it is ridiculous how much people make in the movie business. they do this by charginf exhorbinant amounts to see a movie, to buy a movie, making them impossible to copy. it makes no sense in any, but especially in a capitalist system for movies, that are mostly refried crap, to make so much money. and in a capitalist system, the buying and selling of bootleg copies is exactly what should happen when people become so out of tune to what is supply and demand.
either they want capitalism or they don't. either they want laws to make sense or they don't. it appears all they want is to make money.

2006-05-30T20:13:00.000-07:00

so much and so little to say. went camping in colorado and loved it. beautiful, good company and not to comment more on that now although many many thoughts on it. both new guys at work quitting so it is back to a year ago and just me and dave. rats.

is this real life: also entitled "is this what grownups do"

2006-04-10T02:49:00.000-07:00

having a really bad night, have nothing to do at this time and really feel the need to reach out to someone who is an incredibly good person and who i know loves me.
had a date on friday this week and was very excited, been a long time and is probably good for me and my isolated self. should have stuck to the out reach from the bar job.
so it was grat and then got little drunk, trust me i know bc i am very experienced with the big drunk. anyhow, went home, great great. spent the whole weekend getting to know each other, fucking like rabbits, all the usual.
and tonight, sunday, things did not go as well. you would not like this bc you would probably like to think of me as a much better person than this.
so we go to the bar (rems) and it was great and then when it is time to go she turns scary and starts telling me how much she hates me. and it got worse. and worse and then she kicked my dog and became violent with me. now it was not physically scary, but i called crazy an she told me i deserved it. ok so finally after a bunch of stupid shit, which included me making it clear she would not get near my dog again, i got her to lay down and pass out.

mary jane

2006-02-11T20:11:00.000-08:00

my job insists that i stay in a constant state of hatred and paranoia of the system. this week the head of community corrections, which is the highest type of probation in ks, has been head for 15yrs, runs the domestic violence classes, tad kitch, got arrested for criminal threat.
now everyone i work with was talking about it, bc we all know him and he is super mild, nice guy. and we all know that the county attorneys here over charge people and he probably just got in an argument with his wife and she got pissed, we see a lot of that with recanting and the whole bit. i dont know what happens in other peoples houses, but i would bet that whatever happened is something that has happened to all of us multiple times and someone just got mad or crazy enough to call the police.
but at the bar, it is a different story--everyone there (dive bar) hates the system in the same way i do and hates tad for running DV program, telling them how to live, being head probation--it shows how corrupt and stupid these people are (cops, prosecutors, prob officers) that keep trying to run their lives-- making the bullshit even smellier i guess.
on a much more personal level the bar i have been working at is owned by a couple and one i have a real yen to make out with and we did one night while her wife watched and of course she had to be a great kisser. i could have quit thinking about it, but we work together a lot, hang out some and there is constant touching on her part along with constant vibe. it makes me feel stupid to be in a crowded bar with people staring and to just be thinking about her leg being pressed against mine. the other day she leaned over to tell me something and her skin was so soft my face turned very hot and i have always known that my emotions are very obvious on my face and i dont want people to see this and know i am thinking about her tits, her naked, her pressed against me.
and then with my new part time gig as an alcoholic, i find myself tossed and all i can think about is that maybe trying to kiss her is a good idea right then and that stupid drunk me is going to make an ass of myself someday i fear.
ever have that problem?

an email i sent that i am now sharing with both the world and no one

2006-01-17T20:46:00.000-08:00

love hate relationship with the job. very interesting, different things constantly, but many times ultimately depressing. did a sentencing today where the man during allocution(right to speak in own behalf) cried the whole time and there was snot from his nose to the table the entire time. meth addict, prison for 5 yr.
besides that, not as much with the photos, doing mobiles out of animal bones, but mobiles are more difficult than you would imagine. (one spinning over my head now) have a brother that left home young and doesnt like the family at all and have a very different relationship with him than anyone. he had a kid last year and it gave me a reason for contact, so i write her a lot and made her a mobile and the few times i see her they call me the lady who writes the letters. never been called a lady before. i wish so much i could know my brother better but i dont know how and i believe him to be far superior intellectually.
talked with pops tonight and he was talking about how good my other bro (dave) was at living and he told me about when we were both in trouble at school and they would say jennifer is just so rigid but dave, he is so likeable, we have to do something, because of all the problems but he is just so likeable.
i thought of the time we were both in in school suspension and the coach (because we were both in track as my folks made us each join 3 things a year) came in and asked if we had pot for brains like our other brother and sister. i said fuck you and got another day of suspension. dave said pot is worth more than cotton and got a laugh. dont know why i have to be who i am and he is who he is but i know that no one on this planet is more like me and no one is more like him than me, but how different are we. makes me think of when we saw my mom on voting day and she asked us if we voted (me 29, him 30) and i said naturally and he said hell no ive never voted in my life. so it is and i think maybe he and i are meant to be soulmates in whatever way possible. he has never made fun of me, he has never questioned me and he trusts my opinion. he has also never apolgized for the very very bad times. i could not admire him more. when we were in school he would always call me SISTER. just like that. SISTER. like it was me and everything and i must be rambling.
what i know is that it is hard to be a person in the world, but dave makes it seem easy and i try very hard to be like him.
now my name has changed and everyone calls me jenifer and i dont know how to tell them that was never my name, that my name is anatole.

govern yourself accordingly. chaffee

money makes people weird

2006-01-05T18:40:00.000-08:00

today a secretary came in and asked me how many pens i had and where they came from, work or if i had brought them from home. xe then told me that there were 12 pens in the storage for all of us to share, so not to be greedy i assume.
i refuse to believe that we are so concerned with money that we pay someone over 12$ an hour to count and track pens.

another marriage proposal

2006-01-02T18:46:00.000-08:00

so of course i just called and proposed again. i have never heard a bigger no without the use of the word no. but what if i hadn't tried. and why do i keep trying? i mean really.

what must she think and what do i think? am i in love? does one stop being in love and if so have i? and if not then why do i persist in the proposals, in trying. why didn't i do things more advantageously in st louis? arrggh

would i even ask if i thought she might say yes?

nothing is posting

2005-11-15T22:11:00.000-08:00

I am not right, but I am more right than you

2005-11-15T22:04:00.000-08:00

I could spend my time devising devious plans. Instead I write this. Every situation I see, it turns in my head, it becomes how the situation could most be used against another usually and for oneself always.
So I try to keep my mind occupied, not think about the weather emergencies where people are in need of so much; not a beer at the bar where the sweet woman makes me think of the things and the ways and every newspaper article a spat in my face a dare to conquer, to destroy and build in politics, in world market.
The hangup is a big success. Once it happened, I realized there was nothing better. This was a lifeboat world and it was live or die.

tomorrow morning i participate in a waste of thousands of taxpayer dollars

2005-11-13T19:50:00.000-08:00

got a trial starting tomorrow. i have been practicing talking at a normal rate of speed all day. i think i could be a good actor, but i am not good at acting like myself.
i have decided that if lois is mean then i will accuse her of character assassination. if i build it up enough then i could eventually be justified in calling her an assassin. i mostly just like the word.
i have been feeling kind of empty with this small frustrating life of boredom and dealing with rudeness, and dulling it, dulling it until i am dull.
send me an angel

nothing to write

2005-10-21T17:41:00.000-07:00

today was the day we all knew was coming where the long come on that i tried to end months ago was confessed to. it didnt occur to me until now that possibly this was done to spur me into action. likely not.

the point is that i go on vacation with xxx and still no acceptance to marry, i come home and get the straight-on by the wrong guy.

am i in love. i dont think she can live with me because i am a constant reminder of bad choices. i dont want to cause her pain. i want to cause her love.

everyone loves fascism

2005-08-19T15:28:00.000-07:00

The law reads in part: "Each school board shall require the daily recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance in each classroom of the school division and shall ensure that the flag of the United States is in place in each such classroom."

i need help

2005-08-18T15:19:00.000-07:00

i heard myself say that to the interpreter today as we were leaving the no contact rooms and discussing my trial this week. i like her and she has a great smile, a smile along smile, so i didnt want to say it clearly, which would have been i have a problem in that i am extremely talented at being mean. i can cut people, make them feel stupid, make them defensive and if i know them i can hurt them. i am so good at it. i think its why my client called me a cop eater.
so the problem is when the prosecutor are rude i find myself easily coming up with something that is so truthful that it will sting this person. i can see the things that people hate about themselves.

and i guess the problem isnt that i have this talent the problem is that i hate that me. that is the me that can talk to brian sherwood. that is the me that erupts after days of zoey's whining.
the me that said those things to xxx so obviously true they hurt to much to be mentioned. it is the me that would say something so stupid as "would you like to say anything else in a rude voice" which is like the lamest comeback in the whole entire world if it can even be considered. but i was trying to keep the me i hate from saying "your honor i object--state v. marrs clearly states that there must be civility between prosecution and defense--i would ask you to order the county attorney (i wont even say her name which is lois plead it as charged malin) to use a civil tone of voice in all future objections and responses. if the county attorney cannot i would ask you hold the county attorney in contempt. i will defer to your judgment."

its only 5.30 and i have my whole life ahead of me.

how do i kill hateful me

2005-08-16T17:56:00.000-07:00

the defendant from my first trial (not guilty) died last week in a motorcycle wreck. i have never been through anything like this.

fuck right off

2005-07-28T20:52:00.000-07:00

ok, so i am reading in a libertarian publication that a "christian" has finally come up with

- an illuminating online
analysis that argues the Bible doesn't condemn faithful gay
relationships -

and this is being celebrated!??  and i'm thinking fuck off.
i mean yippee--a dude, of course, finally came up with a way
 to make it ok
for the homophobes
to not be complete homophobes?
bless the lord for this illuminating man

ps

2005-07-23T23:27:00.000-07:00

dont get walmart mad at you.

anyone else got this?

2005-07-23T23:14:00.000-07:00

so i am having this relationship that is with a person who is in a committed sexual relationship yet the nature of hir attitude is such that is a big comeon leading to a searching for the same curiosity, which is there except for the big no way. so what do i do? i am getting about 7 phone calls a day and think the best way is to not spend time (esp since i get vibe frome dude thats xe knows and doesnt like it. so.) WHAT DOES ONE DO?
ok, since i have never gotten feedback i dont know why i wrote that.
but i do know is what i really want to say i woohoo i got a date with xxx. tentatively. as usual.

odd

2005-06-02T22:33:00.000-07:00

i just read posts and realized that i wrote as if i was talking to xxx. lord is she still my whole life

i am so stupid

2005-06-02T22:15:00.000-07:00

so i just put it together. see my sister says that i am freaky about death and get all weird when it happens, but my take has always been that death is pretty serious and has a lot of impact on life since that is how it ends. forever. and then there's nothing else. for this life anyhow. ive always thought it odd that people didnt talk more about death--i mean its all about sex in this weird societal warped way--which is about enjoying life--and no talk about death ever--and so then it snapped--religion.
these crazy jesus freaks and even the polite but devout like the folks--its all about death. they are doing the talking and i didnt realize because it seemed so bizarre. thats the connection with all this religious fervor--it is the death talk but in a way that makes them feel good. not the realistic way like we are dead forever which is like a circle and it goes round and round with no end which means dead for infinity which is like not even a thing--and there is no more except the hope for bugs eating you and thats not even you since you are dead.
im telling you--there are many times i went to light a cigarette and found one burning and so there is always something so obvious to figure out.

continue to mourn or gracefully put it aside

2005-05-23T20:56:00.000-07:00

it finally happened. i always knew it would, for the past year and months, i knew it would happen. and it did. we talked. it was like real people talking. and she said all the things i knew she'd say. sorry, kind humbleness, knows how it feels as breaking up right now, and i was perfect adam. i was up, i was me, i was happy but never overenthusiastic (this can be argued), it was everything, everything exactly as i knew.
the way i felt after is not at all what i expected. i have been in love for so long now, i don't remember before in love. i had accepted long ago that i would be in love and xxx wouldn't. and then we talked. and then maybe i don't like her at all. and maybe i don't want anything to do with her. and maybe it's so much more and maybe it's just because she quit smoking.
been feeling great about the old life here, been thinkng some about women, been thinking about the thing i never let myself think about--rekindling. i always knew it was there in my mind--the screaming come back! i love you! come back anytime! i will always love you! but never before had the reality of such thoughts hits. before the most i ever let myself think is that when we were in our 70's or so we would rekindle, one of those old couples, your sister dead of natural causes or beyond caring at best.
but uh i don't think so, i had all these thoughts about whats his name and others she'd fucked and things and i thought nno nah nah ah, i don't think so--but then my brain screams but yes goddammit it was so good. it was so good when it was very worst. it was just plain good for me. but then i think this new feeling--this loving life and fuck the icky past and i do not need that or any woman to feel good. lots to look forward to--fuck whether or not youre home.

i am trashed

2005-05-19T20:47:00.000-07:00

i think ive mentioned before that i am a functioning alcoholic what i think i did not say properly is that i am barely hanging on. everyday i am amazed when no one calls me on it. when i continue to live, a felon, nonconvicted. i cant fool them anymore. i cant believe i can even type, much less perform a professional role. i am currently in the middle of netcon that is all about me and my fucked up love triangle. the triangle being xxx and me and fucked up me. but fucked up me seems to be losing to lazy me who is a constant winner. i dont mind. lazy me is very agreeable. you know when there is that high pitched whine and its barely perceptible , completely unavoidable, annoyingly distracting--that is fucked up me. something off. something not great. i was in the ocean and came up after a wave next to this little girl who spat and said that tasted not good. everything seems shaky but it isnt shaky and amybe i have flipped my cool, but i have had very many very secret thoughts about how far i could flip and i know i have not yet flipped my cool but since i have thought about how to maybe that means that i will. but then it comes back to xxx. thats as far as i have ever flipped and even then--the things i wanted to do (cut off right hand, drive into pole, nail fish to door) i did not do them. and the book says it doesnt matter who you are deep dow in side. it matters whats you do.

i am so fucked that i am too scared to say more about it. addict wise.

Will You Kindly Accept My Humble Apologies

2005-04-27T18:21:00.000-07:00

i debated a long time how to start this..i am a functioning alcoholic/i am a functionaing pervert/i am a functionaing addict....none of them say it the way i want. just call me loaded?
maybe instead i'll get right into it--it's so weird to write about my secret life, because it s not so secret, of course all who love me know. i live a double life in complete. outward professional, constantly dealing with the weighty issue of removing peoples liberty. and in my real life i am a freak. i come home, i take off my suit and i return to age eighteen. i feel the same except a deeper darker more comprehensive and understanding sadness for the way thing are.
so at work i play the secret lie game of being all business, altho everyone knows i have a dog, it is a small town and i live across the street from the sheriff. i can't quite ever look people in the eye because i am such an open book, i know they will get it all instantly and know i am not only unfit for my job and any respect in the community, but i should be put away and never allowed free, to be able to influence youths.
so here's the problem and where the apology comes in. my secret life seems somehow connected in my head to the fact that most of the people around me think i am a big perv just because i'm a homo and i never talk about sex or even have it for that matter so it is a secret life too, especially because it is so perverted that i am supposed to be embarrassed to even admit my dykeiness. AND I AM SO SORRY FOR BEING A GAY.

masochist: this is your place

2005-04-01T20:06:00.000-08:00

ok, thats it. everyone except the sane guy in my office is voting this week to ban any sort of recognition of gay relatinships (not just marriage no altho its called defense of marriage act). so i guess i'm saying that it feels so egotistical, but living in south west kansas is intellectually painful. altho thats how i feel i cant stop thinking the real egotists are the fucks that think their religion gives them the fucking authority to decide who deserves equality. so superior are they that they should be able to go far beyind the logical maxims of the law designed to punish the intitiation of force and actually dictate adults lives in every aspect. repulsive and neanderthalish but how egotistical is that. you tell me. i dont know

GOD CAN SUCK IT

2005-03-02T23:01:00.000-08:00

My Dad told me that the 2005 I am living in is not the same 2005 that some people are living in. Yesterday the city of Topeka, the capital of my state of residence, tried to pass a law to make it legal to discriminate against homos. It is already legal by not being illegal, but they want to make it known they can do it, I guess to set a precedent for the internment camps. So as usual pops is right.
The only possible explanation I can come up with for why this would be allowed (much less wanted) on a ballot is that we have combined this awe for religion with respect for protected freedom of religion to the extent that religious freaks (ie those that use their religion as a righteous reason for discrimination) proliferate politically and no one says boo. Our president says his highest political advisor is god. I picture the holy army of god backing the soldiers in iraq and it scares the hell out of me.
3.4.5
Now it is two days later. I got a letter from senator Sam Brownback. As with many of my fake correspondence, this letter was sent to me as a response to my writing and expressing the representation I desire. I wrote of course to express my desire for there not to be an amendment to the US constitution that provides for the labeling and bannning of certain relationships based on ignorant and illogical ideas of right and wrong. the letter: Someone generated and sent to me a letter telling me not to worry because good ole sam will do anything he has to, including sacrificing his transgender kid, to protect the sanctity of marriage. Makes me think of Margaret Cho saying that marriage hasn't been sacred since Lisa Marie Presley married Michael Jackson.
So I write a letter to my senator and he writes back in a manner that proves my letter was not read. In addition to this major slap in the face, it also provides proof that my tax dollars are being used for someone to see my mail, ascertain it regards the marriage amendment, and either put on my address, or enter it into a computer, along with my name, print and post the letter. All without reading my input. I guess this explains why when you send them emails you have to choose from a list of subject options.

It's 9p and I'm at Home Wondering Why the Prosecutor Hates Me

2005-02-24T18:54:00.000-08:00

Here's the problem.
There appears to be two of me--the one not in the presence of the prosecutor that is able to laugh laugh laugh at his serious, shiny faced, too small jacket, could only be happy doing hir job in iran ass--and then there is the me in hir presence that wants to be as juvenile as hir and point out flaws in a subtle and amusing to me way, which is almost unavoidable. I feel particularly sensitive to hir rudeness. As if to me it is magnified and a glowing example backed by the mormon choir of every asshole that claims righteousness through deprivation of others freedom.
I don't want to be the me in hir presence me. I want to be the other me. This new me annoys me, speaks too often and appears ruder than the other me. I dont know how to kill that annoying me without smoking pot in the courtroom. but I dont think that will help as I lost a quarter of my brain capacity in a bet last year.

it never ends until you're dead

2005-02-15T20:57:00.000-08:00

so i got an email from the x this week inquiring about contact. and i said swell because i always say swell, which is probably what made her leave in the first place. i am thinking about calling her. should i call? i know what my sisters would say. but when the line rings i know my heart will race, all reason will leave me, i'll talk incessantly and lie in order to make myself sound more psychotic. and then despise my weaknesses for years while drowning my sorrows in doctor prescribed drugs, laughing because i'm technically a doctor too. or i could attempt to carefully and honestly write her about xxx but then that would leave evidence. i hated the uncontrollableness of the feelings i would get around her but i also miss feeling something so intensely. it seems like no favorite things in my life have as strong of shine anymore. its not fair that the shine would come from another person, but fair is a place you get cotton candy.

home of the world's largest beef packing plant

2005-02-03T18:37:00.000-08:00

So, I live in Kansas. Thankfully, our house members were smart enough to recently pass the anti anything but hetero bill, which we call the marriage amendment. Anyhow, there are these commercials on now that have some famous person from KS (Amelia Erhart) and then talk about how when you have no boundries it is easy to fly or whatever. But all I can think is who the *uck are these commercials for. Either they are for people that already live here, in some odd attempt to convince them they are living in a place that is ok, or it is for those outside that think KS is lame and they are trying to convince them how great it is to live in a state with more open fields than open minds. There isn't even the possibility of being AnonymousLawyer here. But I say thank god for the desolation, otherwise there would be nowhere to cook meth.

TOLERANCE SUCKS

2005-02-02T17:28:00.000-08:00

There are the freaks that want to ban gay people from getting married. At least these people are honest and open about their bigotry. But people who promote tolerance, are two faced shysters. Tolerate--to allow
Tolerance--the amount of variation allowed from the standard
Even better--the synonyms
Tolerate--permit, bear, endure, abide
Tolerance--concession, permission, forbearance, indulgence
So these tolerant people are willing to bear my existence, or to bear my having a clit, or to bear my choices in who touches my clit. I don't know what they are so put upon that they have to endure. I tolerate living in a hetero society, but I constantly try to change it, I avoid it at all costs, feel I have little choice and understand that the reasons I reject a hyper heterosexualized society, finding it to be immoral and detrimental.
I doubt anyone who has done this is reading this, but I want to make clear that when you say you believe in tolerance you not only lose 5 respect points, but you also are insulting and sound ignorant.
So I add to my political profile being anti tolerant.