come on who wants to be hurt like this even if you are a masochist

look, here's the thing, i feel conflicted. obviously you are conflicted, but that is seperate for me, except how it impacts me being conflicted. i have a strong natural desire to be close to you, to be with you. you seem to think that i would not be worth the negative impact that would have on your life. thats ok for how little we know each other, but that may get hard to take. when i know you feel similar, if not the saem, when i know you'd rather have your hand in mine, when i believe our core values would allow us to both be our best and be together, a rare and beautiful combination, when i know you feel the same or similar it makes it feel harsh that you would not think i may be worth it. i feel conflicted because i dont have a particular desire to be hurt like this either. you know we have been having a relationship that is definitely abnormal for just a friendship. i dont know what your thinking is on this, why i did not understand at first, or if i did not have all te information. but i know that i must be around you. i dont think you're right, i dont think i'd let you have sex with me, but for the first time in my life i have questioned it. for the first time i thought that i may debase myself enough to break all my own rules of not being fucked. and maybe you'll just see this whole missive as being more fighting. i hope not. you said you wanted an email from drunky me, and here it is with all its errors. you say you dont know why i would feel this way but i dont believe you. i think you know because you feel the same and you are just as conflicted, even if coming from the opposite side that seems to cause all the cnflict. but i am not trying to throw stones, i just know that i am happy to be with a woman, that i cannot understand feeling that your life is not the most important life to you. and again, i am sure i am saying this all wrong but it is hard for me to feel any affinity for oters just because they are gay. this is a long standig thing in my life, that i am part of a group and hate to be part of a group and i didnt even get a choice in joining this group. but here i am in a group ( the gays) and therefore have a certain understanding, just as i have a certain understanding of people who practiced as activists in lawrence or some such.