continue to mourn or gracefully put it aside

it finally happened. i always knew it would, for the past year and months, i knew it would happen. and it did. we talked. it was like real people talking. and she said all the things i knew she'd say. sorry, kind humbleness, knows how it feels as breaking up right now, and i was perfect adam. i was up, i was me, i was happy but never overenthusiastic (this can be argued), it was everything, everything exactly as i knew.
the way i felt after is not at all what i expected. i have been in love for so long now, i don't remember before in love. i had accepted long ago that i would be in love and xxx wouldn't. and then we talked. and then maybe i don't like her at all. and maybe i don't want anything to do with her. and maybe it's so much more and maybe it's just because she quit smoking.
been feeling great about the old life here, been thinkng some about women, been thinking about the thing i never let myself think about--rekindling. i always knew it was there in my mind--the screaming come back! i love you! come back anytime! i will always love you! but never before had the reality of such thoughts hits. before the most i ever let myself think is that when we were in our 70's or so we would rekindle, one of those old couples, your sister dead of natural causes or beyond caring at best.
but uh i don't think so, i had all these thoughts about whats his name and others she'd fucked and things and i thought nno nah nah ah, i don't think so--but then my brain screams but yes goddammit it was so good. it was so good when it was very worst. it was just plain good for me. but then i think this new feeling--this loving life and fuck the icky past and i do not need that or any woman to feel good. lots to look forward to--fuck whether or not youre home.

i am trashed

i think ive mentioned before that i am a functioning alcoholic what i think i did not say properly is that i am barely hanging on. everyday i am amazed when no one calls me on it. when i continue to live, a felon, nonconvicted. i cant fool them anymore. i cant believe i can even type, much less perform a professional role. i am currently in the middle of netcon that is all about me and my fucked up love triangle. the triangle being xxx and me and fucked up me. but fucked up me seems to be losing to lazy me who is a constant winner. i dont mind. lazy me is very agreeable. you know when there is that high pitched whine and its barely perceptible , completely unavoidable, annoyingly distracting--that is fucked up me. something off. something not great. i was in the ocean and came up after a wave next to this little girl who spat and said that tasted not good. everything seems shaky but it isnt shaky and amybe i have flipped my cool, but i have had very many very secret thoughts about how far i could flip and i know i have not yet flipped my cool but since i have thought about how to maybe that means that i will. but then it comes back to xxx. thats as far as i have ever flipped and even then--the things i wanted to do (cut off right hand, drive into pole, nail fish to door) i did not do them. and the book says it doesnt matter who you are deep dow in side. it matters whats you do.


i am so fucked that i am too scared to say more about it. addict wise.