an email i sent that i am now sharing with both the world and no one

love hate relationship with the job. very interesting, different things constantly, but many times ultimately depressing. did a sentencing today where the man during allocution(right to speak in own behalf) cried the whole time and there was snot from his nose to the table the entire time. meth addict, prison for 5 yr.
besides that, not as much with the photos, doing mobiles out of animal bones, but mobiles are more difficult than you would imagine. (one spinning over my head now) have a brother that left home young and doesnt like the family at all and have a very different relationship with him than anyone. he had a kid last year and it gave me a reason for contact, so i write her a lot and made her a mobile and the few times i see her they call me the lady who writes the letters. never been called a lady before. i wish so much i could know my brother better but i dont know how and i believe him to be far superior intellectually.
talked with pops tonight and he was talking about how good my other bro (dave) was at living and he told me about when we were both in trouble at school and they would say jennifer is just so rigid but dave, he is so likeable, we have to do something, because of all the problems but he is just so likeable.
i thought of the time we were both in in school suspension and the coach (because we were both in track as my folks made us each join 3 things a year) came in and asked if we had pot for brains like our other brother and sister. i said fuck you and got another day of suspension. dave said pot is worth more than cotton and got a laugh. dont know why i have to be who i am and he is who he is but i know that no one on this planet is more like me and no one is more like him than me, but how different are we. makes me think of when we saw my mom on voting day and she asked us if we voted (me 29, him 30) and i said naturally and he said hell no ive never voted in my life. so it is and i think maybe he and i are meant to be soulmates in whatever way possible. he has never made fun of me, he has never questioned me and he trusts my opinion. he has also never apolgized for the very very bad times. i could not admire him more. when we were in school he would always call me SISTER. just like that. SISTER. like it was me and everything and i must be rambling.
what i know is that it is hard to be a person in the world, but dave makes it seem easy and i try very hard to be like him.
now my name has changed and everyone calls me jenifer and i dont know how to tell them that was never my name, that my name is anatole.

govern yourself accordingly. chaffee

money makes people weird

today a secretary came in and asked me how many pens i had and where they came from, work or if i had brought them from home. xe then told me that there were 12 pens in the storage for all of us to share, so not to be greedy i assume.
i refuse to believe that we are so concerned with money that we pay someone over 12$ an hour to count and track pens.

another marriage proposal

so of course i just called and proposed again. i have never heard a bigger no without the use of the word no. but what if i hadn't tried. and why do i keep trying? i mean really.

what must she think and what do i think? am i in love? does one stop being in love and if so have i? and if not then why do i persist in the proposals, in trying. why didn't i do things more advantageously in st louis? arrggh

would i even ask if i thought she might say yes?