come on who wants to be hurt like this even if you are a masochist

look, here's the thing, i feel conflicted. obviously you are conflicted, but that is seperate for me, except how it impacts me being conflicted. i have a strong natural desire to be close to you, to be with you. you seem to think that i would not be worth the negative impact that would have on your life. thats ok for how little we know each other, but that may get hard to take. when i know you feel similar, if not the saem, when i know you'd rather have your hand in mine, when i believe our core values would allow us to both be our best and be together, a rare and beautiful combination, when i know you feel the same or similar it makes it feel harsh that you would not think i may be worth it. i feel conflicted because i dont have a particular desire to be hurt like this either. you know we have been having a relationship that is definitely abnormal for just a friendship. i dont know what your thinking is on this, why i did not understand at first, or if i did not have all te information. but i know that i must be around you. i dont think you're right, i dont think i'd let you have sex with me, but for the first time in my life i have questioned it. for the first time i thought that i may debase myself enough to break all my own rules of not being fucked. and maybe you'll just see this whole missive as being more fighting. i hope not. you said you wanted an email from drunky me, and here it is with all its errors. you say you dont know why i would feel this way but i dont believe you. i think you know because you feel the same and you are just as conflicted, even if coming from the opposite side that seems to cause all the cnflict. but i am not trying to throw stones, i just know that i am happy to be with a woman, that i cannot understand feeling that your life is not the most important life to you. and again, i am sure i am saying this all wrong but it is hard for me to feel any affinity for oters just because they are gay. this is a long standig thing in my life, that i am part of a group and hate to be part of a group and i didnt even get a choice in joining this group. but here i am in a group ( the gays) and therefore have a certain understanding, just as i have a certain understanding of people who practiced as activists in lawrence or some such.

KS

i love kansas. and not for any fake loyalty reasons. i love the flint hills. i love the trees, the lakes, the land that goes on forever with little to no sign of people. i love the green green green. i love walking for miles on beautiful green plants, near streams. i love the lizards that live here, the snakes, the birds, and seeing deer daily on the way to work. i love the empty stone farmhouses. i love the collapsing barns. i love the dogs who run loose in town.
and i guess its not just outdoor. i love the jails where they dont lock the cells and send inmates out for beers. i love the drug treatment people who will say whatever i ask, the pyschologists who find my clients incompetent if i say thats best. i love the small town mind that appreciates that i am a smoker. that understands i am different, in different ways than others who are different, but dont care as long as i am a decent person.
i love kansas, because as the book says people may vote against their interests based on passion, they only think in terms of midwest values. being a good neighbor, a good member of the community, even if you never talk to anyone. in helping when help is needed.

coming out

watching a movie about coming out stories. made me think...do i even have one?
after i got kicked on campus i talked with the folks about being gay. the kicking was memorable partly because i understood those people too well that i had provoked them. the other reason was when i was on the ground and they were kicking me, the dad, mom with their 5 kids watching, and they started shouting faggot i was really confused. i thought you dummies, i'm not a faggot, i'm queer.and no one paid attention to them kicking me but when they started shouting faggot and group of students intervened. later all i thought was it they had shouted gay then no one would look but they had to use the f word.
so i thought, my parents won't push me down and kick me if i tell them. is that what i had been afraid of? my dad got physical but i dont remember him ever kicking me.
i made them go in the basement because there are less pictures of jesus there. they have this one upstairs that is "special" because its eyes follow you. creepy right.
and that was it. i said i am in a criminal case bc some crazies with an eight foot cross attacked me because i'm gay. we have never talked of it since.

Gil, I am so sorry and know this is a time when sorry just isnt enough

my policy: don't ask, don't ask

i have been talking to a recruiter and considering the option of full on enlistment, to some extent since i can enroll as an officer, and i finally broached it to a family member, my beloved brother (not that the other brother isnt beloved, but is an unknown) and he said i wouldnt think you would want to work for any group with a dont ask dont tell policy. i know what he means, because the reality of that policy means if you tell you are shit and if we ask we open ourselves up to losing bodies that we could send off to be killed, which we need because this war will go on forever...
but here's the truth: i don't want people to ask and i never tell and never want to. unfortunately for me everyone in the known world, including my mom, has always assumed i was gay without knowing. but to me this should and does have nothing to do with work. i know many people think it has much to do with my work--i am aggresive in court because i am such a dyke, i do the job i do because it is a mans job and i think i am a man etc etc, all the things any regular person does but is seen as a part of your gayness if you are a gay woman. anyhow, i still think dont ask, i have no reason to tell. i dont talk about sex with anyone really so to discuss the fact that women make me itchy and happy and jumpy and happy is not something i tell. so i guess i appreciate a dont ask dont tell policy, and under the laws dont ask is pretty much the rule, dont tell just makes sense, because who sits around at work talking about how hot their client is and how their client tried to make out with them when meeting at the restaurant/bar? not me for sure.
so if telling i'm gay (i prefer the term homo and love the term queer) got me kicked out of a job, then it seems like that is an easy out.
all this said, when i was fired from my first job, where they had bible meeting on the weekends for all the other attorneys who were all mormon, everyone said it was because i was gay. altho i still am unconvinced, i think these are crazy people who believe an alien came and gave them the last portion of the bible, so for them to fire me for gayness does not seem odd at all. they are weirdos. they believe in weirdo things. the fact i feel very flushed and uncomfortable and happy (as mentioned) around certain women doesnt seem to have much to do with aliens and missions where you travel for years pushing your craziness on others. but if to them this goes against their whole alien bible, women dominating idea does not bother me in the least. it is like the idea that bush is a christian--if he wants to think crazy things, like his life is a reflection of a man who believed in forgiveness and compassion, and he wants to hate me because of his christianity, then i cannot hold that against hm. he is obviously either insane or using these words to serve his own scary purposes. i cant be bothered with crazies and i cant help the fact that most people talk out of one side of their mouth while letting a woman suck their dick with the opposite side.
these are a lot of rambling, run on, non sensical sentences, i agree. but 1 is that worse than an alien bestowed bible that cant be found but is "followed" and 2 i think efb might be the only person who ever has read any of this crap.
so i guess i will end with yes, erin, yes i immediately knew the answer to the question, but i do not care to hurt you. try hard not to hurt you, so why would i tell you things that i think will hurt you?

"astonishing"

was out back playing with bin when the neighbors dog climbed--actually climbed--the fence into the yard. played for a minute then tried to snap on a collar to walk it back home--to big to lift over the fence. but when i went for its collar it cried and cried. the collar was really tight so i took it off in order to loosen it, thinking that was what the crying was as it had no sores i could feel. it was a shock collar and when i grabbed it off it shocked the shit out of me. it is not a light shock, my hand is still tingling 30m later. so i walked it home, no people at home, opened the fence and noticed there was no water, no food, no dog house, no hay. it is 20 degrees and dropping. i found this all rather disturbing and called the owner. he thought i was an asshole and asked me to go put the shock collar back on and told me he would let them in later. i put the shock collar back on. the dog climbed the fence again. i am an asshole.

i don't think like anyone else, thank god

working on my objections, which is uneccessary since i am slam bang, up buttoning my suit jacket and entering long discourse on the law supporting my objection and the logic behind it, before the question hangs in the air long enough for the witness to hear it. but i was thinking about objections to leading questions, which is an objection i rarely make. if you are obviously trying to get a witness to say something damaging about my patient, ok, but otherwise i never object to leading questions, because like all trial attorneys i have learned that people will say anything. anything.

most witnesses seem to have their own agenda and it allows them to interpret all questions in a manner whereby they can say what they came to say. this is a sidebar but LEOs are particularly funny in doing this as they will stoically feign complete ignorance and act like a fool rather than say something they are not there to say.

it is interesting to watch, although it usually makes me cringe, but like a compulsion people just spew random, ignorant, embarrassing, irrelevant, personal, scary things when in a courtroom. the sex offender who told the judge he wanted to live next door to him to show him he wouldnt hurt his daughters. let me tell you the judge does not want a sex offender, caught with handcuffs, badges, guns, mentioning his daughters. much less living next door to them.

but the things they say, it becomes obvious that criminals in general are of the lower intelligence class. making excuses for homicides, blaming two year olds for coming on to them, explaining that the wife had to be hit for flirting, fighting the idea that it is wrong for 2 year olds to wander on their own--people who just either dont get it or pretend not to--not to be able to tell the difference between logic and a string of semi articulate half baked ideas, self serving ideas, or completely insane ideas.

i guess to continue to live like don quixote i will petend this was all leading to one inevitable point: when people talk i listen like i read--i catch the fist few words, assume the rest and zone out on my own thoughts, but when i do listen i usually think objection! and usually it is leading